We ended up the
first part from this article mentioning that "Emotional abuse" is one
of the most covet & mean abuse. Why is that?
For many
reasons, let's take a look on how it goes:
1) You can never tell that this person is an abuser from the
beginning of the relationship; otherwise you wouldn't have accepted it, but he
is so intelligent in finding & playing on the common grounds you both have;
until you feel connected to him, then his true nature appears later on, so it
happens gradually without even noticing that you've fallen into his trap.
2)
Most abusers are charming people, charismatic, talkative, & apologetic
after the abuse, he even knows that he pulls the strings of your heart to him
even closer when he admit his mistakes, then after a period of romance called
"honeymoon"; he suddenly explodes with an outburst of
anger, & for no apparent reason, it's unpredictable that you find yourself walking
on eggshells.
3) This manipulation keeps
going throughout the relationship as he aims at imposing his power &
dominance & power, you find yourself as if hypnotized & subconsciously
willing to comply to all his wishes, even if against your own will.
That's why this kind of abuse is very tricky, various tricks are
used by the abuser until you find yourself on the verge of a nerve breakdown, complaining
that there's something wrong in this relationship, but with no concrete evidence.
But, aren't all relationships have its struggles & fights? Why
we call this abuse?
This is not about someone who loses is temper because he's stressed,
no, there are main features in the emotional abuser that makes these kinds of
relationships not like any other healthy relationship, let's shed some light on
the abuser himself:
1) The abuser might have different internal unsettled struggles, it
could be: fear, anxiety, loneliness, inferiority, etc. from this very sense of
powerlessness & in an attempt to escape from his constant painful feelings;
he does his best to gain control & power over his partners, & because he's
so disconnected from himself, not able to face his own battles; so he makes connection
with others, & in a marriage relationship he has the sense that he OWNS the
other person; rather than connecting on the basis of mutual love & care.
2) Abusers are never concerned about the well-being of their partners;
all what they want is to win, it is either their way or the highway, they must have
the upper hand & dominance in the relationship & the other partner goes
beneath them, they suck all power & emotions from their partners, &
they do this by diminishing the self-worth & belittling their partners.
Definition of "Emotional abuse", quoted from
one of "Iyanla Vanzant" (famous counselor & life coach) episodes:
"Forms of emotional abuse include being disrespectful,
discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing, critical and judgmental. They
also include making "joking" insults, lying, repeatedly
"forgetting" promises and agreements, betrayal of trust,
"setting up" of another, and "revising" history.
One of the most difficult
things about identifying and leaving someone who is a psychological and
emotional abuser is that the really successful abusers are highly intelligent
and hide their abuse incredibly well under the guises of loving and wanting
you. They find the one thing that you do well together and use that as the
carrot to keep stringing you along in the relationship.
They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in
reality, they have no internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate,
so they try to control others and drive others to lose control. If an abuser
can cause you to lose control, it proves how healthy he is, so he can say,
explicitly or implicitly (it's amazing how sighs and rolling of the eyes can
accomplish as much as words): "There you go again, losing it, crying and
yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy; you are."
Now let's have a look at some tactics the abusers use in
their game:
Projection: is when the
person cannot face his flaws, so he subconsciously shifts his own flaws &
blame on the other, throwing accusations like: you're stupid, you're a failure,
you need therapy, etc.
Gaslighting: this one is very tricky as it aims at causing a confusion &
self-doubt in the other partner. This is when the abuser denies saying
something or doing something you saw with your own eyes; this causes you start
questioning your memory, your senses, your feelings.
Stonewalling: It is when the
abuser enters a period of complete "silent treatment"; until
you apologize or do the things he wanted you to do. Another form is when your
partner refuses to see things from your perspective by dismissing you or
minimizing what you're sharing with him.
Emotional withholding: this happens
when the abuser withholds his love & affection in order to convey a message
of anger. This causes severe negative feelings like anxiety to the other
partner because it arouses feelings like: fears of rejection, abandonment, disconnection,
being unworthy to be loved, it hits the core of the identity of the victim.
Twisting: this happens when you face the abuser; you find him/her shifts all
the attention & spots you made onto you by twisting facts in order to place
all the blame & responsibility on you. He twists facts to victimize himself
so that you feel guilty; then he demands an apology to avoid taking the
responsibility for his actions.
Irrational and intense rage: it is the
sudden outbursts of anger without obvious or rational reasons. This creates
a great amount of fear and uncertainty in the other partner. Intense &
sudden rages are shocking and startling, forcing the other partner into fear and
compliance.
Trivializing
accomplishments: Out of the sense of inferiority; abusers tries to hit the
self-esteem of their partners; not just by trivializing their accomplishments;
but also making fun of them, mocking them, belittling anything done by their
partners.
Are you in the middle of destructive & abusive
relationship & needs to know what to do?
To
read part (3) from this series; please click on the following link:
By: Jackie.Y.G
Some helpful Resources:
http://www.oprah.com/own-iyanla-fix-my-life/Iyanla-Vanzant-Defines-Spiritual-Abuse-Video
http://www.oprah.com/own-iyanla-fix-my-life/the-work-confronting-betrayal-and-broken-relationships_1
http://stepparentmagazine.com/dealing-with-emotionally-abusive-people/
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/doctor-david/are-you-a-victim-of-emotional-abuse.htmlv
http://www.dovechristiancounseling.com/SignsThatYouAreBeingEmotionallyAbused.html
http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/december/but-he-never-hit-me-christian-primer-on-emotional-abuse.html
https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotionally-abusive-men-and-women-who-are-they/
